This post is dedicated to the toys that pack a bit of a sting to them. You know the ones – those hard, plastic beasties that poke at tender little knees (LEGO’s anyone?), the mechanized monstrosities with moving parts that pull and pinch and the poorly designed finger eater uppers. Ah yes. Good times.

Barbie’s Horse is Mean

This delectable Barbie horse looks sweet, innocent and relatively safe, right? Wrongo! The front legs are hinged so it can be posed, and my 5-year-old got her fingers pinched enough that she stopped playing with it shortly after getting it for Christmas last year. Maybe this year’s model will come with its very own electric shock system built into the lovely posable legs. That’ll show those little girls!

Zoob

I’m guilty of purchasing Zoob for Ana when she was 6 (two Christmas’s ago) based solely on the cool packaging. I applied no common sense or past experience to this purchase at all. So I shouldn’t have been surprised that the toy was frustrating to her and came with the added bonus of being extremely pinchy.

At the time I thought that Zoob was probably good for older kids (it’s recommended for 6-10 years) and/or kids that love to build stuff. II figured this was just a classic example of buying a toy that’s not age appropriate and getting stuck with nothing but a bin full of colorful plastic pieces. I still think it looks cool, but it hasn’t come out of that nifty bin in two years. Apparently children have a long memory when it comes to things that cause them physical pain. Go figure.

Barbie Fashionista

Gosh, look, it’s another Barbie product that causes physical pain. The Barbie Fashionista dolls have hinged legs and arms that are perfect for posing. Perfect, that is, until the 5-year-old gets that tender part of her hand (you know, the area between thumb and index finger) caught in Barbie’s bone-crushing hard vinyl joints.

]]> http://toygraveyard.com/2010/01/toys-that-bite/feed/ 14 http://toygraveyard.com/2010/01/ten-worst-toys-that-came-into-my-home-in-2009/ http://toygraveyard.com/2010/01/ten-worst-toys-that-came-into-my-home-in-2009/#comments Fri, 01 Jan 2010 22:54:44 +0000 toymaven http://toygraveyard.com/?p=115 I’ve decided to make my own top 10 list for 2009. Two lists, actually. The good and the bad..of toys.

To gain some perspective, keep in mind my daughter A was 7 then 8 in 2009 (2nd/3rd grade) and my daughter E was 4 then 5 (pre-K then K). Between birthdays, allowances, many many trips to the craft store, and now the holidays (not to mention my propensity to buy them a toy just about EVERY time I’m in Target), a lot of crap has come into my home. Here are the ten worst…

1) The Ginormous Hand Made TuTu

The above is an approximation of the actual TuTu my daughter received. This was given to E for her 5th birthday. It’s actually lovely, and I’m sure many children would adore it. Unfortunately, this is the year my daughter decided she no longer likes princesses, or pink (thoug I feel she’s denying her true self). She claims her new favorite colors are “black and blood red” and I’m fully expecting her to ask for a piercing of some sort any day now.

For most of 2009, the TuTu lay abandoned, and large, in our already overstuffed costume bin. Occasionally it made its way out when the kids performed one of their many plays – usually paired with the James-Brown-inspired cape which was inherited from an older cousin. Had E received this for her 4th birthday, I’m pretty sure it would’ve been love at first site.

2) Roseart Fuzzy Posters.

Both my kids love these things. They look so good all wrapped up in the packaging. Even the above photo makes me want to run out and buy one. Plus they always seem like a good idea when I’m standing in Michaels with $50.00 worth of art supplies in my cart just dying to leave. Plus they cost between $4 and $8 so they seem like a bargain. That is, of course, until you get them home and the kids bust open the packaging to reveal yet another set of 4-5 markers which are the same color as 20 other markers they already own. They’re good for about 30 minutes of concentrated coloring then I’m stuck with two more half-colored Elvis-inspired pseudo-velvet posters which I’m not allowed to throw away because A and/or E aren’t done with them yet. These things are space taker uppers. Run. Away.

3) Hasbro’s Elefun Game

My children became aware of this game via the power of commercial television (this was before we disconnected cable). I have a vague recollection that the kids in the commercial were really, really enjoying the game – running around and laughing gleefully as they caught butterflies in their brightly colored nets. Enter reality. The game takes four (that’s right FOUR) C batteries to power the fan which blows the elephant’s trunk straight up in the air. The trunk is made out of thick hefty-bag like material which looks great out of the box, but then becomes crappier looking with each consecutive use. It also tends to fall over when in use because, let’s face it, IT’S A HEFTY BAG.

Other issues: There aren’t many butterflies, it actually takes about 2 minutes to blow through all of them (pun intended) before you have to load them in again and set it all up. NOT FUN FOR MOMMY. Add to this that my 4-year-old couldn’t catch ANY butterflies and there’s the whole “ends in tears” factor as well. Did I mention it eats batteries for breakfast? Without four freshly opened batteries, the fan isn’t strong enough to keep the trunk up AND blow the butterflies out. Who the hell designs this crap anyway? We used it for a month or two then threw it out when we did our semi-annual, pre-birthday toy purge.

4) Hasbro Biggest Littlest Pet Shop Play Set

Here’s one of those “seemed like a good idea at the time” Christmas mega toys. I got E and A each this set last Christmas. Now, I must confess that I love the Littlest Pet Shop Toys. They’re cute for the kids to collect and my children have gotten tons of play out of them. They also loved these houses and played with them a ton mostly in the first half of 2009. I personally hate the houses because they also caused a lot of frustration for my 4/5 year old (age indication is 4+) because it was hard to open and pieces of it immediately began to fall off, thus enraging her. They’re also bulky and difficult to store. They aren’t played with at all at this point (about a year later), but every once in a while the girls take them out. I’m glad they had fun with them, but I think they would’ve had just as much fun if I’d given them a bunch of Littlest Pet Shops without the cumbersome house.

5) All Barbie Thumbelina Toys

While, admittedly, the Barbie movies that Mattel keeps cranking out are essentially feature-length commercials for the dolls, I continue to buy them because E continues to love them. I realize I’m a sucker, but she’s got these big brown eyes (E, not Barbie) and when they look up at me…well..anyway, one of last year’s movies was Barbie Thumbelina which, like all Barbie movies, was released with a host of new dolls. What can I say about these dolls? Well, they’re weird. It was the first time Mattel tried to package Barbie into something somewhat environmentally friendly (the plot of the movie was about preserving nature) so that was good… but no amount of green packaging can save the dolls from their inherent craptitude. E got the blonde and brunette for her birthday and NEVER played with them. They’re not like regular Barbie dolls, or even irregular Barbie dolls. They don’t even look like the characters in the movie and they’re startlingly thin. Plus their arms and legs are stuck in partially bent, posed positions.

ATTENTION TOY MAKERS: DOLLS WHOSE ARMS ARE STUCK IN THE LES PAUL POSITION ARE NOT FUN.

My daughter also got the set with the little girl and the dog, and promptly lost half the teeny tiny pieces in the first day. She also didn’t play with it because the doll just isn’t fun. It’s kinda like a second rate Polly Pocket, and why play with a second rate Polly Pocket when you own a bin filled with 37 ACTUAL Polly Pockets? She got the set again for Christmas and I’ve packed it away to donate to Toys For Tots next year. The whole Thumbelina Barbie experience makes me want to go eat lots of chocolate.

6) Novelty books of any sort

Are you wondering what novelty books are? Well, let me clarify this for you. A novelty book is any kind of book that is associated with an item that is not a book. This includes book “kits” like the gardening book my daughter received for her birthday (I couldn’t locate a picture of it and it’s been long gone from the house). It came with a bunch of extra-wide popsicle sticks, a package or two of seeds and a couple of useless gardening tools (very small, easily bent). I also bought this book for E (the 5-year-old):

Books with cheap jewelry abound at Barnes & Noble – they always seem to be in the bargain bin and for $5.95 I figure what the heck? However, the jewelry always breaks and the story is always lack luster and, really, do I need another crappy book sitting around the house? I don’t appreciate the tactic here either – HOLD SOMETHING SHINY UP IN FRONT OF THE CHILD’S FACE AND SHE’LL BUY THE BOOK! Of course it’s a tactic that works, but I still resent it. Novelty books are gimmicky – run away. It’s way more meaningful to put the gift set together yourself anyway (e.g., buy real gardening tools and include a book with them).

7) Bakugan Toys

Full disclosure: I have two girls and I don’t fully understand what the hell is going on with the Bakugan craze, but at some point A began asking for the toys and at about $5.00 each, I figured I’d give them a shot. I hate them, but this is perhaps because I do not understand them. First of all, they all pretty much look the same to me. I know they’re probably very different if you’re a child, but I’m not seeing it. Another problem: They fold up into a ball about the size of a large gumball which means they roll under things. I have no idea how many of these things A owns (at least 6) because they disappear immediately after leaving the package. I did a bit of research on Wikipedia and I see they’re associated with some kind of game – oops. I’ve been throwing out the magnetic cards needed to play this game. So now I feel dumb on top of it all. Give me an Ugly Doll over these things any day!

8 ) Bitty Babies by American Girl Doll

Admittedly, these didn’t come into my house in 2009. I believe they showed up in 2008, but I began to seriously regret purchasing them in 2009. We bought two of the dolls ($45 each) at The American Girl Doll store in Manhattan during a day trip (I live about 2 hours north of Manhattan).

The full-size dolls were too much money and I thought this was a good alternative. I’m not sure why I thought that. My children may have been showing some interest in baby dolls at the time, but if that was the case then it was fleeting because all they’re doing is collecting dust. I can’t figure out why they’re so expensive either. They are well made, but so are most of the $25 dolls at Target. Their eyes open and close, but so does every other baby doll in existence. So it’s not that they’re the worst toy in my home, it’s more like they were a colossal waste of money and I’m reminded of that each time I move their floppy little bodies to a new surface.

9) Littlest Mermaid Bubble Blower

This was a present for E’s 5th birthday. I hate to admit it, but I threw it out about a month ago because I couldn’t stand how much room it took up for so little pay off. It’s a bubble machine, plain and simple. A Disney character bubble machine. It’s not designed all that well and has to be refilled quite frequently. It’s also a battery waster and not quite age appropriate (E’s love affair with bubbles blossomed when she was around 2-3 years old). I suspect it was a re-gifted item (received from a neighbor). E has asked about it once since I threw it out and I made some weak attempts to look for it, but other than that she hasn’t missed it. I know. Bad, bad mommy.

10) Spirograph Set – Manufacturer Unknown

Another present for E’s 5th birthday, this was probably the worst toy that entered our home in 2009. I also suspect this one was a regift, not that I have a problem with that, but it seemed like the box had been kicking around for a while and, let’s face it, IF YOU DON’T WANT IT IN YOUR HOUSE, NEITHER DO I!!!

Full disclosure: I’m not sure the Spirograph set pictured above is the exact same one that E received (though judging from the comments on Amazon, this one doesn’t seem like it was much better). The toy was extremely frustrating as, due to its crappy design, it was nearly impossible for anyone – adults included – to make anything resembling a spirograph. We literally threw the toy out (with E’s blessing) the day after she received it. I do believe that’s an all-time record.

There you have it folks, a very un-merry top ten list. I’ll go through our top ten favorites in my next post.

What do you get when you combine Barbie, Karoake (sorta), and your iPod? A piece of junk that only a 5-year-old can love!

My mother-in-law got my (delighted) daughter the above gift the official title of which is “Barbie Dazzling Duets” and the official description (as swiped from the Toys R Us site) is “The Dazzling Duets dual singing system is a fun way to sing along to your favorite songs with Barbie®.”

The description doesn’t say much now, does it? From what I can tell this is a cheesy sort of karoake machine that comes pre-loaded with six songs that of course my 5-year-old has never heard of (Girls Just Wanna Have Fun?) and a very weak-sounding amplifier that is activated when she sings into the microphone so she and Barbie can do their own duet.

You can also plug an MP3 player into the toy and play any of your own songs, which I guess would be kind of cool if the amplifier thing worked. It just sounds like a very poor quality speaker for the MP3 player. My daughter may as well be singing into a hair brush. Yes, you heard that right – my $250 iPod is now plugged into this $30 toy and is therefore quite vulnerable to any number of 5-year-old related mishaps. Clearly someone didn’t think this thing through.

DON’T BUY IT. DON’T BUY IT. DON’T BUY IT.

Notice I didn’t link to it? That’s because you need to run away from this. Far, far away. Get the image of this off your screen before your child sees it. This has no business being in your house.

I know my mother-in-law meant well, but this sort of toy is prime fodder for the Toy Graveyard (a.k.a., bottom of the toy box).