Since the week after Christmas involved a cornucopia of new toys,  I didn’t really have the time to fully evaluate the product. I also didn’t give it the 5-year-old test (my 8-year-old made just one stuffed animal). I was, frankly, afraid to get into it with Emily (the 5-year-old) since she tends to become very frustrated if she’s thwarted by things like software or poorly made toys.

But yesterday, after Emily begged me for the 5th time to make her own stuffed animal, I broke out the Printies once again and decided to make good on my promise to help her make one. It was around 10:00 a.m. when I began the process. TWO HOURS LATER, we had two more Printies of questionable quality. I’ve taken a picture because words can’t really capture this:

The animal on the left is supposed to be a cat, by the way. That’s the one Emily did with a lot of help from me and older sister Ana, who is 8 and can (thankfully) read on screen instructions. I can’t emphasize this enough…THE FIVE YEAR OLD HAD A LOT OF HELP.

Ana made the one on the right and thought it would be fun if she added her face to her creation. It turned out to be very frustrating for both of us, since I had to find a picture, resize it properly, and upload it to Printies before she could play with it. The Printies interface which, per my previous post, is horrible, uses the same command for stretching and rotating an image. Let me make a polite suggestion to the folks at Printies – for the next iteration of this thing – MAKE IT TWO DIFFERENT COMMANDS. It’s very frustrating for an 8-year-old when she keeps rotating her own face and all she wants to do is stretch it, or vice versa.

So, both these things printed fine, albeit a little faded but we’ll blame this on my printer settings rather than Printies. Then it came time to finish them off. Emily had fun stuffing hers for about 10 minutes then got tired of it and so I finished it for her. No matter how much I stuffed, the neck part of the dog still buckled inward as you can see in the photo. This would be no big deal to most reasonable people, but Emily is 5 so is completely unreasonable.

Then there’s the little matter of attaching the feet. Emily joyfully chose her doll’s feet and I secured the feet to the doll and placed it on a table where it promptly fell over. I then spent 10-15 minutes trying to secure the feet to the doll in such a way that it wouldn’t fall over (again, trying to comply with Emily’s completely unreasonable request). I ended up putting more stuffing in it and finally succeeding. Emily then joyfully placed the stickers on the shoes and we were done. Please reread the above paragraph and replace “Emily” with “Ana” and you will have a good idea of how I spent my Sunday morning.

I want to mention that it’s very hard to be truly creative with the toy, particularly for younger kids. The reason Emily’s doll looks so good is she pretty much stuck with the templates that came with the software, rather than “drawing” or “painting” using the freehand drawing tools. When she tried to draw in the Printies software, she scribbled all over the design and practically turned purple with frustration. At one point I thought the top of her head was going to shoot off. Thank GOD for the “undo” button – one of the few usable tools in the software (don’t get me started on how I accidentally undid half of Ana’s work).

One other thing – apparently Printies are like Gremlins in that you can’t get them wet. If you look closely at the cat/dog, above, you’ll see a smudge on its left side above the paw which I’m assuming happened because it got some water on it. Stuffed animal colors shouldn’t run. It’s just sad and wrong. I’m revising my originally tentative suggestion to purchase a $20 set and try it out.

I personally wouldn’t recommend the product, but I’m not YOUR mother so do what you want. I know this got some sort of best toy award and I can only speak for my experience. There aren’t enough Sunday mornings in my life to waste them on poorly designed pseudo-creative toys.

To gain some perspective, keep in mind my daughter A was 7 then 8 in 2009 (2nd/3rd grade) and my daughter E was 4 then 5 (pre-K then K). Between birthdays, allowances, many many trips to the craft store, and now the holidays (not to mention my propensity to buy them a toy just about EVERY time I’m in Target), a lot of crap has come into my home. Here are the ten worst…

1) The Ginormous Hand Made TuTu

The above is an approximation of the actual TuTu my daughter received. This was given to E for her 5th birthday. It’s actually lovely, and I’m sure many children would adore it. Unfortunately, this is the year my daughter decided she no longer likes princesses, or pink (thoug I feel she’s denying her true self). She claims her new favorite colors are “black and blood red” and I’m fully expecting her to ask for a piercing of some sort any day now.

For most of 2009, the TuTu lay abandoned, and large, in our already overstuffed costume bin. Occasionally it made its way out when the kids performed one of their many plays – usually paired with the James-Brown-inspired cape which was inherited from an older cousin. Had E received this for her 4th birthday, I’m pretty sure it would’ve been love at first site.

2) Roseart Fuzzy Posters.

Both my kids love these things. They look so good all wrapped up in the packaging. Even the above photo makes me want to run out and buy one. Plus they always seem like a good idea when I’m standing in Michaels with $50.00 worth of art supplies in my cart just dying to leave. Plus they cost between $4 and $8 so they seem like a bargain. That is, of course, until you get them home and the kids bust open the packaging to reveal yet another set of 4-5 markers which are the same color as 20 other markers they already own. They’re good for about 30 minutes of concentrated coloring then I’m stuck with two more half-colored Elvis-inspired pseudo-velvet posters which I’m not allowed to throw away because A and/or E aren’t done with them yet. These things are space taker uppers. Run. Away.

3) Hasbro’s Elefun Game

My children became aware of this game via the power of commercial television (this was before we disconnected cable). I have a vague recollection that the kids in the commercial were really, really enjoying the game – running around and laughing gleefully as they caught butterflies in their brightly colored nets. Enter reality. The game takes four (that’s right FOUR) C batteries to power the fan which blows the elephant’s trunk straight up in the air. The trunk is made out of thick hefty-bag like material which looks great out of the box, but then becomes crappier looking with each consecutive use. It also tends to fall over when in use because, let’s face it, IT’S A HEFTY BAG.

Other issues: There aren’t many butterflies, it actually takes about 2 minutes to blow through all of them (pun intended) before you have to load them in again and set it all up. NOT FUN FOR MOMMY. Add to this that my 4-year-old couldn’t catch ANY butterflies and there’s the whole “ends in tears” factor as well. Did I mention it eats batteries for breakfast? Without four freshly opened batteries, the fan isn’t strong enough to keep the trunk up AND blow the butterflies out. Who the hell designs this crap anyway? We used it for a month or two then threw it out when we did our semi-annual, pre-birthday toy purge.

4) Hasbro Biggest Littlest Pet Shop Play Set

Here’s one of those “seemed like a good idea at the time” Christmas mega toys. I got E and A each this set last Christmas. Now, I must confess that I love the Littlest Pet Shop Toys. They’re cute for the kids to collect and my children have gotten tons of play out of them. They also loved these houses and played with them a ton mostly in the first half of 2009. I personally hate the houses because they also caused a lot of frustration for my 4/5 year old (age indication is 4+) because it was hard to open and pieces of it immediately began to fall off, thus enraging her. They’re also bulky and difficult to store. They aren’t played with at all at this point (about a year later), but every once in a while the girls take them out. I’m glad they had fun with them, but I think they would’ve had just as much fun if I’d given them a bunch of Littlest Pet Shops without the cumbersome house.

5) All Barbie Thumbelina Toys

While, admittedly, the Barbie movies that Mattel keeps cranking out are essentially feature-length commercials for the dolls, I continue to buy them because E continues to love them. I realize I’m a sucker, but she’s got these big brown eyes (E, not Barbie) and when they look up at me…well..anyway, one of last year’s movies was Barbie Thumbelina which, like all Barbie movies, was released with a host of new dolls. What can I say about these dolls? Well, they’re weird. It was the first time Mattel tried to package Barbie into something somewhat environmentally friendly (the plot of the movie was about preserving nature) so that was good… but no amount of green packaging can save the dolls from their inherent craptitude. E got the blonde and brunette for her birthday and NEVER played with them. They’re not like regular Barbie dolls, or even irregular Barbie dolls. They don’t even look like the characters in the movie and they’re startlingly thin. Plus their arms and legs are stuck in partially bent, posed positions.

ATTENTION TOY MAKERS: DOLLS WHOSE ARMS ARE STUCK IN THE LES PAUL POSITION ARE NOT FUN.

My daughter also got the set with the little girl and the dog, and promptly lost half the teeny tiny pieces in the first day. She also didn’t play with it because the doll just isn’t fun. It’s kinda like a second rate Polly Pocket, and why play with a second rate Polly Pocket when you own a bin filled with 37 ACTUAL Polly Pockets? She got the set again for Christmas and I’ve packed it away to donate to Toys For Tots next year. The whole Thumbelina Barbie experience makes me want to go eat lots of chocolate.

6) Novelty books of any sort

Are you wondering what novelty books are? Well, let me clarify this for you. A novelty book is any kind of book that is associated with an item that is not a book. This includes book “kits” like the gardening book my daughter received for her birthday (I couldn’t locate a picture of it and it’s been long gone from the house). It came with a bunch of extra-wide popsicle sticks, a package or two of seeds and a couple of useless gardening tools (very small, easily bent). I also bought this book for E (the 5-year-old):

Books with cheap jewelry abound at Barnes & Noble – they always seem to be in the bargain bin and for $5.95 I figure what the heck? However, the jewelry always breaks and the story is always lack luster and, really, do I need another crappy book sitting around the house? I don’t appreciate the tactic here either – HOLD SOMETHING SHINY UP IN FRONT OF THE CHILD’S FACE AND SHE’LL BUY THE BOOK! Of course it’s a tactic that works, but I still resent it. Novelty books are gimmicky – run away. It’s way more meaningful to put the gift set together yourself anyway (e.g., buy real gardening tools and include a book with them).

7) Bakugan Toys

Full disclosure: I have two girls and I don’t fully understand what the hell is going on with the Bakugan craze, but at some point A began asking for the toys and at about $5.00 each, I figured I’d give them a shot. I hate them, but this is perhaps because I do not understand them. First of all, they all pretty much look the same to me. I know they’re probably very different if you’re a child, but I’m not seeing it. Another problem: They fold up into a ball about the size of a large gumball which means they roll under things. I have no idea how many of these things A owns (at least 6) because they disappear immediately after leaving the package. I did a bit of research on Wikipedia and I see they’re associated with some kind of game – oops. I’ve been throwing out the magnetic cards needed to play this game. So now I feel dumb on top of it all. Give me an Ugly Doll over these things any day!

8 ) Bitty Babies by American Girl Doll

Admittedly, these didn’t come into my house in 2009. I believe they showed up in 2008, but I began to seriously regret purchasing them in 2009. We bought two of the dolls ($45 each) at The American Girl Doll store in Manhattan during a day trip (I live about 2 hours north of Manhattan).

The full-size dolls were too much money and I thought this was a good alternative. I’m not sure why I thought that. My children may have been showing some interest in baby dolls at the time, but if that was the case then it was fleeting because all they’re doing is collecting dust. I can’t figure out why they’re so expensive either. They are well made, but so are most of the $25 dolls at Target. Their eyes open and close, but so does every other baby doll in existence. So it’s not that they’re the worst toy in my home, it’s more like they were a colossal waste of money and I’m reminded of that each time I move their floppy little bodies to a new surface.

9) Littlest Mermaid Bubble Blower

This was a present for E’s 5th birthday. I hate to admit it, but I threw it out about a month ago because I couldn’t stand how much room it took up for so little pay off. It’s a bubble machine, plain and simple. A Disney character bubble machine. It’s not designed all that well and has to be refilled quite frequently. It’s also a battery waster and not quite age appropriate (E’s love affair with bubbles blossomed when she was around 2-3 years old). I suspect it was a re-gifted item (received from a neighbor). E has asked about it once since I threw it out and I made some weak attempts to look for it, but other than that she hasn’t missed it. I know. Bad, bad mommy.

10) Spirograph Set – Manufacturer Unknown

Another present for E’s 5th birthday, this was probably the worst toy that entered our home in 2009. I also suspect this one was a regift, not that I have a problem with that, but it seemed like the box had been kicking around for a while and, let’s face it, IF YOU DON’T WANT IT IN YOUR HOUSE, NEITHER DO I!!!

Full disclosure: I’m not sure the Spirograph set pictured above is the exact same one that E received (though judging from the comments on Amazon, this one doesn’t seem like it was much better). The toy was extremely frustrating as, due to its crappy design, it was nearly impossible for anyone – adults included – to make anything resembling a spirograph. We literally threw the toy out (with E’s blessing) the day after she received it. I do believe that’s an all-time record.

There you have it folks, a very un-merry top ten list. I’ll go through our top ten favorites in my next post.