Hey, kiddies! Where can you find a pair of fun-loving, poorly animated and misunderstood WOLVES? Where is there a whole host of inappropriate sexual innuendos and barely controlled violence? In your local movie theaters (but hopefully not for long).
Yes, I’m reviving this long-dead blog based on a thoroughly horrible experience I had at the movies this weekend with my children, now 6 and 9. We went to see Alpha and Omega.
I know what you’re thinking. It’s a kids movie about wolves that’s in 3D. The premise is fundamentally flawed. I mean, if the wolves looked remotely realistic than it would be too terrifying for children, right? I knew that and i was prepared to suspend disbelief. I really was.
I really, really was.
Here’s the plot in a nutshell: The main character whose name is forgettable (I forgot it) is an Omega wolf who digs an Alpha wolf-girl who is in line for the throne, or whatever doubles as a throne in wolf-ville. They were friends as children but now Alpha-chick is all grown up and she’s forbidden to mate with an Omega. Oh, and in case you’re worried that the term “mate” might crop up – don’t fret. They conveniently substitute this word for “howl” – so the two main characters aren’t allowed to howl together. And, yes, I cracked up hysterically at this bad metaphor. Through unfortunate circumstances, Alpha and Omega are relocated to a different forest and must find their way back to their main pack before all holy hell breaks lose between two separate wolf packs (Alpha is engaged to marry another Alpha wolf from a rival pack).
This movie is so cookie cutter, it takes almost no effort at all for me to list ten other (better) movies and/or stories that were cobbled together to create this hot mess: Aladdin, Lady & the Tramp, Beauty & the Beast, The Lion King, A Bug’s Life (it’s Flick!), Romeo & Juliet (I swear there was a moment at the end when I thought both characters were going to die in a moment of ultimate sacrifice and I nearly threw up), Happy Feet (particularly when the wolves howl together in unintentionally hilarious “song”), West Side Story, Bolt, Madagascar, The Wild and Spirit (those last four represent the epic journey to return home). I’m pretty sure that was more than 10..
This is thinly veiled plagiarism and soulless character production at its best, folks! It wasn’t even funny, except for the scenes where the wolves howl together and that was only funny because it was supremely disturbing (it was nervous laughter). Then there were the scenes where the mother wolf (mother of the Alpha chick) said unexpectedly vicious things which were supposed to be funny (because she was a motherly cute and sweet looking character.) She literally said something like, “I’m going to rip your eyes out and stuff them down your neck so you can see me tear your throat out.” And, actually, these comments from mom were the most authentically real moments in the movie because, after all, they’re WOLVES.
Still, I’m sure I’m not the only parent who shifted nervously in my seat and wondered how I was going to erase that image from my 6-year-old’s brain before it got lodged in there forever, contributing to what must be a host of disturbing junk that she’ll have to eventually work out with her therapist.
And, again, this movie is in 3D, only not in the theater where we went. There were many pointless scenes which were obviously created to capitalize on the 3D effect, which only ended up dragging the movie on longer than it needed to go. I counted at least 4 scenes where the wolves rode down a mountain or hillside in the hollow of a tree. This was done purely to show trees rushing towards the camera (I suppose). But come on, it gets OLD after the first two minutes.
Don’t go. FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY, DON’T GO!
Tomorrow I’ve promised to take the girls to see Legend of the Guardian. Help…me…
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