THE RULES OF BARBIE (which do not apply to you, if you are a human woman)

1) Barbie can wear any outfit in any season at any time day or night, and still look FABULOUS. That’s right, strapless evening gowns with strappy sandals in January or thick wool pants with a turtleneck in August, it matters not to Barbie. She doesn’t sweat, she doesn’t shiver, and her body is  always completely hairless whether Ken’s around or not. The rest of us mere mortals can only look on and sigh.

2) Barbie never looks monstrous, even when she’s half woman/half fish or is sporting wings that are twice her actual body size (for example). Don’t believe me?

Giant butterfly women and bedazzled mermaids all stare at the wonder that is Barbie. That’s right. Never doubt me again.

3) Barbie looks good even as a corpse. You heard me right. For most of us, if we were to say – drown and turn blue, or choke on a Swedish meatball (and turn blue) or suffocate because of a carbon monoxide leak (and turn blue), we wouldn’t be at our best. Not so for Barbie. Oh it’s creepy, but true…

I’m sure Mattel didn’t mean for Barbie to look like a zombie, but it definitely has that effect – particularly when it’s in its coffin-like packaging. She’s still pretty though!

4) Barbie doesn’t get PMS (or a period) even though she has clearly hit puberty.  What fun would that be? PMS Barbie, packaged with a tiny bottle of Pamprin, a box of tampons, and a little plastic copy of Bridget Jones’ Diary and garbed in baggy sweat pants, ratty slippers and Ken’s old t-shirt? Yeah, I’d SO buy the doll, but that doesn’t make it right.

5) Barbie is the Virgin Mary. Oh I’m right about this. I know I am! Think about it. Even though Barbie doesn’t menstruate she can somehow procreate. How else do you explain all those Barbie sets with babies and kids in highchairs? What about the Barbie minivan?  I mean, I can’t currently find any proof that these Barbies exist via my 30 second Google search, but I know I’ve seen them in Target! I’m onto something here. My time has come!!

6) Barbie does not need to eat. Oh it’s true. In spite of the many tea parties our many Barbies have attended in this very house, not one single morsel of food, nor one single sip of tea have ever passed her lips. Barbie likes to display food as though it were art – it is a mere oddity to her. Other favorite past times are dabbing napkins daintily at the corners of her mouth, carrying (empty) picnic baskets and collecting food accessories such as plates and spoons.

7) Barbie is ALWAYS the bride and NEVER the bridesmaid. Each and every time I go down the Barbie aisle at any given store, there’s always a bride Barbie and a Groom Ken (never in the same box of course). I secretly suspect that Ken’s getting ready to marry Prince Charming who is patiently waiting for him in the Disney aisle, but I digress. I’ve yet to see a Bridesmaid Barbie, so I can only conclude that Barbie is a perpetual bride and she will perpetually await her groom at her perpetual altar of perfection.

| Category Toy Box Musings